He’s two weeks old, yesterday. We’ve been home longer than we were at the hospital and really, THANK GOODNESS for time and its magical healing properties because the further I get from that mess the better I feel. One thing I’m trying to, uh, process, is how flipping ANGRY I am that I had a difficult delivery and the consequences of that meant my son ended up being hyper-monitored and the consequences of that meant we spent a week in the hospital. And there’s nothing I could have done about his delivery, nothing that could have foretold it, nothing that could have prevented it. Shoulder dystocia HAPPENS (In just 1% of vaginal births! How lucky for us!) and you don’t know it’s happening until IT ALREADY HAPPENED and it’s an obstetrical emergency all on its own so the part where his cord was wrapped around his neck twice and he ran out of slack as he was born so it was strangling him was just EXTRA UNFORTUNATE on top of the STUCK IN THE BIRTH CANAL situation.
Oh, wait, no, this is not the birth story. This is just me BEING UPSET (still!) about things I can’t control, things that have already happened, things that don’t actually MATTER any more. I should let it go. And, I can’t! I didn’t need or expect or envision a perfect last birth, last delivery, last first week with my last baby, but I feel pretty robbed and upset about it now that I didn’t get anything close to those things. It was awful and horrible and stressful and it just sucked and I’m angry that I will always remember his first week with such negative feelings.
Blah blah, healthy baby, all that matters, whatever, I call bullshit on that. It’s not all that matters, because as Erin put it so eloquently a few weeks ago,
“…my baby being born being healthy isn’t all that matters. It’s the most important thing, yes. But my feelings? They also matter.”
And I’m just, I don’t know, MAD. I’m probably going to be mad for a while. One day I’ll stop talking about being mad and I will write the entire thing and it will probably be three thousand words, but for now I’m just mad. This is an annoying, self-serving post, I know. But right now angry and vague is all I can manage.