He’s two weeks old, yesterday. We’ve been home longer than we were at the hospital and really, THANK GOODNESS for time and its magical healing properties because the further I get from that mess the better I feel. One thing I’m trying to, uh, process, is how flipping ANGRY I am that I had a difficult delivery and the consequences of that meant my son ended up being hyper-monitored and the consequences of that meant we spent a week in the hospital. And there’s nothing I could have done about his delivery, nothing that could have foretold it, nothing that could have prevented it. Shoulder dystocia HAPPENS (In just 1% of vaginal births! How lucky for us!) and you don’t know it’s happening until IT ALREADY HAPPENED and it’s an obstetrical emergency all on its own so the part where his cord was wrapped around his neck twice and he ran out of slack as he was born so it was strangling him was just EXTRA UNFORTUNATE on top of the STUCK IN THE BIRTH CANAL situation.
Oh, wait, no, this is not the birth story. This is just me BEING UPSET (still!) about things I can’t control, things that have already happened, things that don’t actually MATTER any more. I should let it go. And, I can’t! I didn’t need or expect or envision a perfect last birth, last delivery, last first week with my last baby, but I feel pretty robbed and upset about it now that I didn’t get anything close to those things. It was awful and horrible and stressful and it just sucked and I’m angry that I will always remember his first week with such negative feelings.
Blah blah, healthy baby, all that matters, whatever, I call bullshit on that. It’s not all that matters, because as Erin put it so eloquently a few weeks ago,
“…my baby being born being healthy isn’t all that matters. It’s the most important thing, yes. But my feelings? They also matter.”
And I’m just, I don’t know, MAD. I’m probably going to be mad for a while. One day I’ll stop talking about being mad and I will write the entire thing and it will probably be three thousand words, but for now I’m just mad. This is an annoying, self-serving post, I know. But right now angry and vague is all I can manage.
Diane
February 7, 2013 9:44 pm
Oh, A’Dell. I won’t make this all about me, but I am still processing some similar thoughts on Leo’s birth. I completely understand feeling robbed. Do not beat yourself up for feelings these feelings, and definitely don’t be qualifying them with STILL. He is tiny tiny and this may take you a long time to process and let go and we will listen and let you yell and never judge because you GET to do that.
He is really so very gorgeous. Well done on the boy-baby-growing.
tehamy
February 7, 2013 9:47 pm
It’s ok to be mad. It’s good to be mad. It’s good to talk and write about those feelings. (I talked abkut my 1st c/s and my failed VBAC attempt to the point that people were probably tired of hearing about it but i didnt care. It helped me. It will help. And while you may never be “over it” one day you will be less angry and it will hurt less.
Erin is very smart. A healthy baby isn’t all that matter. Sure it’s clearly important but you and your feelings matter too. Owning your feelings is all you can do right now. It will get better. I promise.
Raven
February 7, 2013 9:52 pm
Sprog is my only baby. He’s the only one I will every have. Part of the processing, that I am still doing, even though he’s about to turn 18 is that I never got a chance at a “good” pregnancy. I never got a chance at a “good” delivery or birth experience or breast feeding or..or..or…
My son is fantastic and I love him so, but none of it went the way I hoped and I only ever had that.
I totally relate to this post so much.
He’s so lovely and I am so happy for you, that everything is okay for him now, but I get the anger and want to buy you a drink and some cake.
Kelly
February 7, 2013 9:53 pm
I think that’s totally okay. And in my case study of one, totally normal. And I also think Erin’s post was awesome and exactly right on.
And I don’t think there’s really any place for “should let it go” or “should get over it,” because I don’t really think it’s anyone else’s place at all to say what you *should* be doing. It’s over in the sense that it’s done happening and the result is that Preston is home and happy and healthy, but I just get so irritated (for, uh, you, of course) by the world’s obsession with getting over and getting past and moving on. You’re not trying to CHANGE ANYTHING, you just want to CARRY IT FOR A WHILE. It’s a thing that happened TO YOU, and it’s not ever going to UNHAPPEN, and it’s YOUR THING that you were IN and PART OF and it won’t just GO AWAY because it came out in your favor. So if you want to carry it along in your bag and pull it out to examine whenever you damn well please, you go on ahead.
Not like you need my permission or anything.
Mel
February 7, 2013 9:53 pm
My best friend experienced shoulder dystocia and the cord strangling her second child after having been induced for what was deemed medical reasons. I was there and the whole experience was so disturbing, I vowed to never be induced. It wasn’t even my delivery experience and it upset me beyond words. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Hoping you find peace as time passed.
Meghan
February 7, 2013 9:54 pm
I love the quote about your feelings mattering too. I hope you print it out and put it somewhere you can always see it. Because its so true. My word for the year is permission and you have to give yourself permission to feel all that. And think about it, and think about it again, and blog it over and over and basically do whatever you need to in order to come to some sort of peace with it. And in the meantime, snuggle the crap out of that sweet little boy. And figure out a way to bottle up his newborn smell and ship it out to me. I so need some of that
Ashley // Our Little Apartment
February 7, 2013 9:54 pm
I smiled when you said you weren’t over it “still!” because, really, I think you’re expecting a lot of yourself to think that you WOULD be over it by now – it’s been TWO WEEKS. You now have three children, one of which is a newborn. Be easy on yourself, my friend!
xoxox
Mel
February 7, 2013 9:55 pm
And no, I don’t think the induction caused it by the way, but it was just happening all at once and I wanted to distance myself from anything similar to that situation.
Little miss Mel
February 7, 2013 10:00 pm
Totally. Be upset. It’s not what you hoped for. :x
Maggie
February 7, 2013 10:07 pm
Oh A’Dell, I just love you, and of course you are angry and of course you are STILL angry and WILL be angry and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. I just feel sorrowful on your behalf that it happened this way. A whole year later I was still processing Emma’s birth, and I felt (feel) sort of stupid about that, but whatever, that’s the way it is. For me what’s hard is that it feels like something that happened TO me instead of something I participated in or did myself. So yes, control, blargh.
xoxo
Marie Green
February 7, 2013 11:00 pm
So this is the exact thing that pisses me off about birth in our country today. Many times, birth is a stressful, even traumatizing event, and the only thing those suffering mothers hear, over and over, is “at least you have a healthy baby” or “all that matters is that mom and baby come out ok.” those words are said so much they are almost AUTOMATICALLY coming out of people’s mouthes. We even say it to women BEFORE the birth, if they express any concerns or frets. And as you said, it’s NOT all that matters. Not at all. To dismiss a woman’s feelings with one broad sweep is probably the most disrespectful and unkind thing we can do for someone who is upset or suffering, and yet it’s pretty much the only thing we do. Doctors and nurses say those things DAILY, I’d bet.
Anyway, you are absolutely right that your feelings and how you experienced your birth matter. They matter so, so much. A very shitty thing happened, and you and your poor baby endured lots of unpleasantness because of it, and if you need to be mad or sad about it for a long time, than do it. Everything you are feeling is so completely VALID. Of course you are upset!
Also, if you ever want to have a good listener to your birth story, I’d be happy to listen. (My # is on the Blathering app.) I had a traumatic birth experience that took me YEARS, and a lot of work, to overcome, but I DID eventually work through my anger. Having validating listeners helped. I can now (usually) talk about it without tears of rage. I even have peace and some happy memories from it now! My wish for you, my friend, is that you’ll be also get there (and sooner than I did!) All the hugs. All of them! Xoxo.
vanessa napolitano
February 7, 2013 11:01 pm
I totally agree with Ashley. It’s been 2 weeks. You shouldn’t be over it yet. My mom still talks about my 3rd brother being c- section because the cord was wrapped around his neck and she was knocked out in the hallway yada. She’s over it, but it’s not something you forget or ever take lightly. This is your baby you’re talking about.
Erica
February 8, 2013 12:13 am
It’s not self serving, it’s self preserving. Speak it.
K
February 8, 2013 10:35 am
I remember one particular Saturday afternoon in the hospital parking garage after visiting Iris and I was practically vibrating with rage. So much anger. So much regret. SO MUCH ANGER. I was angry for so, so long. At God and, on some days, anyone that moved. Remembering that anger is making me cry now because experiencing that emotion after the birth of your child is just so intense.
But I guess I want you to know that the anger fades and is no longer so prominent. Other things, other experiences trump it and push the anger up and out of the way. I guess that’s just how Time works.
Kimberly
February 8, 2013 10:45 am
The day your children are born? Kind of big deal. A huge deal, in fact, and a day that is forever etched in your memory. And when that’s something less than the ideal experience you had pictured, it’s OK to be angry, sad, disappointed; to grieve. IT’S OK. You’ve been through hell. Your feelings matter; you are not wrong or a bad person to feel like you do.
Christy
February 8, 2013 11:04 am
Oh A’dell, you have every reason to be upset and angry. And like Ashley said, for you to feel upset “still”, just two weeks later… Please give yourself permission to take all the time you need.
Totally not the same, I know, but one year ago I stopped breastfeeding. Way earlier than I’d wanted or hoped, but it felt like the best choice. Even now, I will start crying when I think about it. And I know, there were no choices in your situation so I really don’t mean to compare them. But I totally get the feeling robbed part because he was my last and that was so not how I thought my last breastfeeding experience would go. And yes, you can go into it not expecting a perfect birth or last first week with your baby, but I don’t think there’s any way to prepare yourself for a difficult delivery or NICU stay. It wouldn’t be normal if you DIDN’T feel incredibly disappointed and angry and sad.
And as an L & D nurse, I am really grateful to you and Erin for writing about this. I am very sorry to admit that I have said “The most important thing is a healthy baby,” when someone didn’t have the birth experience for which they hoped. And gosh, I pray that I’ve never said it in an unsympathetic or condescending way. I will be so mindful of this now and will remember how absolutely imperative it is to acknowledge those feelings of anger and disappointment.
Veronica
February 8, 2013 11:23 am
Oh, it is SO okay to be angry. I have angry feelings about both of my deliveries, and I can’t fix that. I will always have to remember being angry when my babies were born, because of things that were outside my control, and that SUCKS. It’s not like you’re sitting there saying “I wanted it this way and and I didn’t get my way, so BOO to all of you, I’m gonna cry!” it’s that you now have negative associations with a day that brought you one of the most joyful additions to your life, and that is hard to get over … if it’s even possible to get over. I still haven’t. ;)
Go ahead and be angry, because your son deserved the best.
Anne
February 8, 2013 11:48 am
You have every right to be upset, so very little time has passed. Plus it is really traumatic both emotionally and physically. Not to be melo-dramatic about the whole thing, but when I had Adi it was equally unsmooth. I was induced in the middle of the night, went 16 hours on Pitocin, only to have a c-section the next day. That was 24 hours with no food, etc. It was harrowing and took me a long time to get over it. I personally think that was a part of what led to PPD. Not that it will happen for everyone -but the birth is a huge part of your life as a mom and it makes sense it would affect your emotions.
Manda
February 8, 2013 3:31 pm
It is OK to be mad. I would be too. Good thing you probably have Costco chocolate cake in your freezer, though. Love you lady.
Elsha
February 8, 2013 4:55 pm
2 weeks is hardly any time to process! Being mad is totally reasonable. Expected even. Things didn’t go the way you wanted, and it’s not like you can just have a “do over” birth. It’s a hard experience to work through.
xoxo
HereWeGoAJen
February 8, 2013 5:44 pm
Totally makes sense. Babies are important and it matters to us to have the kind of birth that we want and yours was scary.
Also, that baby up there? WAY super cute.
Tara
February 8, 2013 10:11 pm
The “All that matters is a healthy baby” line, I think, can be really hurtful/damaging to moms. OF COURSE a healthy baby is most important but it’s not ALL that matters. It’s like a way to sweep the mother’s experience–which does matter– under the rug. Totally normal and necessary to let yourself feel/process all the feelings afterward for a while. And what a CUTE BABY!!
Jesabes
February 9, 2013 10:29 pm
I’ve been putting off commenting because I was trying to come up with something profound or brilliant, but really all I have to say is, while I obviously don’t know how you’re feeling, I understand. It sucks everything didn’t go the way it should have.
A'Dell
February 10, 2013 5:23 pm
This was the perfect comment, Jessica. PERFECT.
Michelle
February 11, 2013 2:59 pm
It took me a year to get over Peanut’s birth via c-section. I was very sad and mad about it. I’ve just kind of blocked it out at this point because if I do think about it, I get annoyed all over again. (Probably not the healthiest way to deal but, you know. You do what you do.)
I’m sorry it didn’t work out how you wanted. I’m sorry it caused stress for everyone. And while it is great that he’s healthy, your feelings do matter too.